Way Point 2 – Conception of the Marriage Relationship
Jack and Jill went up the aisle, one day to be wed.
In front of God, and in front of man,
Their vows were boldly said
We promise now to love one another, no matter, come what may.
To you my dear, I will be true, until my dying day.
The rings exchanged, the kiss complete, the two are now aligned
Thus begins the challenging work, of two lives intertwined.
Conception
Our progress down the tracks of this relationship journey have us at the way point of conception. The point at which the marriage relationship is given life. Our allegorical couple Jack and Jill have moved from merely ideas about relationship, and wading around in the shallows of the waters of unity, to diving headlong into the marriage relationship.
The union of Marriage which was first introduced in Genesis 2 when we hear the first “very good” from our creator. He had created Adam, but soon understood that he was not good alone. From his side, he created Eve, and exclaimed it was very good. The two were married by God himself, exclaiming that it was for this reason that a man would leave his mother and father, and cleave or be bound to his wife.
If only oneness and unity were as simple as stating a few words, exchanging a few vows. The joining in marriage happens once the ceremony is complete, but the real work of joining our souls, spirits, mind and hearts to a common purpose, requires much work! The intertwining is a lifelong process, and for good reason. The purpose is to create the best individual one can be, but not merely for you, but for your spouse. Together, intertwined with God, you are more than you could ever be alone.
The 3 stranded cord formed within a God centered marriage is a representation of the Triune God we see in the bible. Father, Son, and Spirit all with different characteristics and abilities, but representing the one Godhead. They operate in perfect unity and offer a picture of what the unity in marriage, and unity in the church could and should look like.
Raw Truth
Here we find Jack and Jill, two individuals trying to figure each other out. They are living under one roof, in one bed, beginning to learn things about one another they did not know before. Heck, they are learning things about themselves that they did not know before. This is where the real work of relationship begins. When faced with new information about your spouse, you have only two choices. You accept it as part of who they are and you adapt, or you choose to refuse it and begin the work of trying to change the behavior, or begin seeking a way out.
The first years of marriage are riddled with this scenario, over and over again. As each individual works from self-focus to relationship focus. Remember our couple Jack and Jill have been on their own their entire life up to this point and it has been all about them. All about finding themselves, developing their identity, their personality, and building their environment of comfort.
Everyone comes into relationship this way. There are few who met Jesus early on and already know who they are in Christ. The purpose God has for them, and the joy of community. But most of us have not yet reached this truth, and are thus totally self-focused if not completely self-absorbed. We bring this into our marriage relationship without the understanding that marriage and the true purpose of love is to build up and strengthen the other. Reading 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, the love chapter, you will find that every characteristic of love mentioned is focused outward, toward others not ourselves.
The Rub
So what does all this mean? Does it mean the Jill has to give up her desires, her career, or goals to focus on Jack’s? Does it mean that Jack must give up golf, or collecting water at the top of the hill to meet Jill’s needs? No, it doesn’t mean that at all. What it means is mutual sacrifice, and growth in unity. It means that Jill has characteristics, beliefs and abilities developed in her earlier life that can be used to grow and stretch Jack. That Jack has God given characteristics, beliefs and abilities that can grow and stretch Jill. Both adding to and taking from the other to aid God in developing them into the best people they can be. All part of God’s designed aspect of change as we grow and improve.
Change
In my continuous improvement world, we talk about behavior change all the time, we use a “change curve” created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, to visualize the process by which we encounter change. These steps are taken over and over again in life. We get the new “normal” frozen into place, and then boom we start the change process all over again.
It is much to early for our couple to think about unity at this point, they are just trying to figure out how to do life together. There are many obstacles ahead, including one of the biggest, family! The real test of resolve, whether they have “left mother and father”, or are still cleaving? It will take a while to work through the muddled mine field of the past, but if our couple will choose each other and the relationship over self, they will begin on good footing.
Conclusion
As we conclude our session today, I know you have noticed the reference to the beginnings of marriage and it’s purpose. The reference to the characteristics of love found in 1 Corinthians 13. I have to say that you do not have to believe in God to be successful in marriage or have a long marriage. But it is important to understand why the institution of marriage was even created. You see most of the world would define marriage as a contractual relationship. The bible defines marriage as a covenantal relationship.
The difference between the two are vastly important. If you enter marriage with the viewpoint of contract, then you enter with a “I will if” mentality. If you meet your side of the bargain and fulfill your requirements, I will. Contract says “I am in this to maximize my rights and minimize my responsibilities”. Covenant means I enter this relationship with you, my spouse and God. It is a “I will regardless” mentality. Covenant says, “I take up my responsibilities and lay down my rights”. it is the mindset regardless of whether you hold up your end of the bargain or not, I will.
Why do I end with this? It is much harder to move from self-focus to relationship-focus with a contractual mindset. Those that understand the biblical concept of marriage and the covenantal relationship with God, have a huge head start on those that do not, in moving toward unity. Not to mention if both spouses are in a relationship with Jesus, you share the same leading and prompting of the Holy Spirit as you grow, both as individuals and as a couple.
Forgiveness and next steps
A huge piece of the marriage relationship puzzle is forgiveness, and that relational quality is one of the hardest to grasp. Luckily, we have an awesome example of not only what it is but how to do it effectively through what we know about Jesus. And it is a huge part of our relational growth toward our next phase of relationship. Adolescence.
Until next week, God bless and remember “All of life is ministry”.
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