Oneness – The Marriage Relationship (part 5)

Way Point 4 – Relational Maturity

Preface

Greetings, dear friends welcome to the final waypoint on our journey to oneness. It doesn’t mean we have arrived, it simply means we have reached the farthest point to which we can go, relational maturity.

As always I want to preface our discussion with this call out. While I believe that we are to put forth every effort to maintain the covenant relationship to which we entered, I also understand there are situations in which we may need to set boundaries to protect ourselves and the relationship.

There may also be situations where we need to end an abusive relationship as a spouse and or children are in danger. I am in no way saying you should stay in an abusive relationship. You should seek help, seek refuge, and separate from the abuser as necessary. However, I also want you to understand that nobody is beyond hope. Jesus can change anyone; I am proof of that. He has the power to change the vilest sinner and the worst situation into more than you could ever dream.

Progress

Seeking Oneness

Oneness is a lifelong task that does not end when we first arrive. You see, oneness or marriage relational maturity is a moving platform, involving multiple aspects of life. This destination is ever changing and elusive, requiring, work and patience. It is elusive in part because we are two separate people, each having his or her own mind, will, and emotions, and in part because the seasons of our life are ever changing.

A couple may be on the brink of oneness and unity in the season of child rearing and WHAM, they are launched into the season of empty nests. On and on it goes, learning to live and love in oneness throughout life’s seasons and difficulties.

Revelation

As we have progressed, we have compared the growth in relationship to our own human growth phases. I can assure you that it has been a journey for me. It was not how I originally intended for it to go, but God’s plans are always better than mine. The journey has been both interesting and convicting. It is clear that I have a few waypoints to go in multiple areas of my life, and Tina and I continue to uncover areas in our marriage in need of growth and maturity.

But isn’t that part of the joy and frustration of life? We are always growing; time is always progressing. I had a good friend and mentor tell me once that “life is a journey of learning, if you ever stop learning, you are dying!” I believe this to be especially true regarding our relationships, a relationship not growing is a relationship that is dying. Luckily, relationships are like our bodies, add a little love, focus and care and watch it begin to improve and grow.

Our Journey

During our journey through this series we started with the understanding that we enter this relationship as two, self focused individuals trying to figure out how to do this thing together, while maintaining our identity. We then looked at the waypoints of abstraction; the very beginning of the idea of a marriage relationship. Next we discussed conception or birth of the relationship. Finally, prior to this posting we discussed the adolescent phase of the relationship, and now here we are, at maturity.

MATURITY – Learning to Abide thru Devotion

Today, we find ourselves at an interesting juncture, what are the tell-tale signs of maturity in a marriage and how do we define it? Though every marriage is different and unique, just as we are created individually unique, I believe there are certain characteristics we will find within every mature marriage relationship.

At the heart of the characteristics, we are about to discuss, are two that are fundamental, Devotion and Abiding!

Devotion is as it sounds, it is the act of being devoted to each other. There is much we could unpack regarding devotion. While it is foundational to oneness and unity, it is developed through many experiences and problems in life. It envelops trust and forgiveness and sacrificial love, grace, and so many others. Devotion is developed through a covenantal mindset that says, “I will regardless”. I am devoted to this relationship, and I am not going anywhere.

Abiding is defined as ” accepting or acting in accordance with a rule, decision, or recommendation. To abide is also defined as “to be able to tolerate”. There are times in our marriage where it is much more the latter than the first! Either way, to abide requires devotion and all the characteristics involved with it. It is the covenantal mindset that I both accept my part in this mess, and I accept my responsibility to my spouse and my relationship.

As stated earlier, these two characteristics are the foundation of our relational maturity house, but let’s dive a little deeper into the visible traits of a mature marriage relationship, using the acronym MATURITY. This should be fun, there is no order of importance for any of these. I have aligned them simply to make them fit the acronym.

M – Mutual “Other” Focus

At this phase of the relationship, both participants have developed first an understanding of each other’s needs and secondly a strong, consistent focus on filling those needs. Each person’s individual identity remains, however their sense of self has diminished, and they understand their identity is now intertwined with their spouse in this relationship. Oneness is no longer a mere goal, it is now an experience at times achieved.

This concept of oneness may be hard to understand if you are not a follower of Christ. True unity is best understood when you can conceive that we are spiritual, emotional and physical. This is a topic for an entire post and we do not have time to address it here.

A-Abiding Devotion

As defined above, this foundational characteristic is a trait you will find in any mature relationship. Let me add here that just as in life, maturity does not always follow the passage of time. Some people seem to be born more mature than others, or they reach a mature state much faster than others. Others spend their whole life in the adolescent phase and never progress out of it. In relationship we see the same, I have met some really young couples whose relationship is much more mature than some who have been married for much longer.

T-Transmit

Transmitting is all about communication. I started with “Talk”, but God clearly defined that it should be transmit. We communicate in so many ways, yes talking is one of those, but body language, eye contact, actions, demeanor, and yes talking are all avenues of communication. We transmit a message through all of these and more. Couples who have reached maturity in their relationship have learned how to transmit in the language or method best received or understood by their spouse.

U-Understanding

We don’t have to spend a ton of time here. As we grow and learn about one another through the “other” focus. We develop an understanding of our spouse, their needs, their habits, their desires, and how they operate. All of this helps a marriage relationship grow and mature. What can be stated here is that understanding requires the “receiving” piece of communication. Individuals in the relationship must be able to receive the communication in order to understand and convert the transmission into useful data.

R-Reasoning Together

Reasoning ties transmitting and understanding together. Couples in a mature marriage relationship make decisions together. They reason how to “do” life together. In today’s self-focused, just do it society this can seem laughable. When a man says I need to ask my wife, or a wife tells her friends that she should talk it over with the husband first, it is often met with ridicule or guidance that “you don’t need them to tell you what to do”! Couples in a mature marriage understand that their relationship is the most important and the reasoning process keeps them aligned on the path.

I-Identity

At this point in the relationship, the individuals clearly understand who they are and what they bring to the relationship. Their identity is not lost, it is magnified in the relationship and their continuous goal is to help their spouse grow in their identity as it magnifies their own. They also understand the concept of how their individual identities together form the relationship identity and the power that brings in their impact to their family, society, and the world. For those that know Christ, this is not a foreign concept, as we understand who we are in Christ, how our Heavenly Father sees us.

T-Testing

I know what you are thinking as you read that title. You are thinking of how your spouse tests your patience! I assure that is not the correct interpretation. Testing is around the concept of problem solving. A mature marriage relationship involves two people that are comfortable enough to bring their spouse into the problems they are experiencing. Like reasoning, they have developed vulnerability trust and are OK speaking out when an issue is perceived. They do not let silence or depression go on without confronting or “testing”, in love.

Y-You Died to Self

You are either laughing at this point or you are scratching your head trying to understand what this Y is all about. It is exactly as it sounds. A mature human is one that has figured out that it is not all about them. Nothing wakes a man up faster than becoming a dad! When my daughter was born, it really hit me that I had responsibilities outside of me. I was beginning to understand that in marriage, but boy did it change when I became a dad.

My eyes became open to the daunting task of raising children and preparing them for life, and gradually I began to see and understand that for my marriage relationship, and that life involves leaving a legacy. As I asked myself what I wanted my legacy to be, it became much more about my impact on others, than what I could accomplish for myself. As a Christ follower, I understand that we are to die to self, and to pride, this is a lifelong battle, both individually and in marriage. Luckily, as a Christ follower, I have the Holy Spirit to help me do what I cannot do on my own.

Summary

We have covered a ton here. I want to finish this post with a few last words. My hope is that many will read this, regardless of your belief in marriage, or your belief in Jesus as Savior. My prayer is that all will come to the saving knowledge of Christ, just as I have. However I understand that you don’t have to be in relationship with God, or even be a believer to have a “good” long marriage. I am not implying that you must. But I am implying that it could be so much better. Marriage was created for man to experience the joy and fulness of unity and communion while living our life, “life more abundantly”. Timothy Keller said it well in his book The Meaning of Marriage. He said, (my paraphrase), “People can experience a good, loving marriage outside of faith in Christ, but if they are God is helping them and they don’t even know it”.

You see, many of the tenants of the faith are what we have discussed above in relation to a mature relationship. The concept of love that includes commitment or devotion, passion and intimacy and shared burdens. Grace is a key foundation to the faith, and it is also a foundation to living out a covenantal minded marriage with an “other” focus. In the faith we understand grace is a gift, an undeserved gift, poured out on us by a loving Father. Grace, in marriage, looks the same. We understand that neither of us are perfect and we show “favor” when the other falls short.

The final key concept of the faith is forgiveness. You cannot reach relational maturity if both have not mastered the concept of forgiveness. Likewise, you cannot grow in your faith without mastering this concept. To forgive, one must understand how you have been forgiven. Thru the lens of the forgiven, we see things much differently, forgiving others becomes easier. Never easy, but certainly easier.

Thank you all for playing along, I hope you enjoyed it. Until next week, God bless and remember “All of life is ministry”.