The Tie that Binds!

Life Lessons

Have you ever had a string dangling on a sweater cuff or hem line? You think, I’ll just pull on that sucker and pop it off, only to find that as you pull, the cuff or hem begins to unravel. The harder or longer you pull, the more it unravels. It seems the older I get the more I understand that the unraveling is a metaphor or mirror image of life. So much of who we are and how we act is “tied” to events or learnings of our younger days. As the thread of our life is pulled and examined, we see how our character, emotions, and actions were formed into the tapestry that we have become today.

Bigger than Us

Picture the majesty of the Grand Canyon in all its beauty. We look at it today as it is, but if we begin to pull on the thread of time, unraveling it’s past, we will find the story of all that impacted its creation. The years of drought, the spring rains, the floods that etched its path. We would see the events that altered its course. Those that quickened the pace, and those that slowed it. The point I am trying to convey here is that outside forces played a huge part in what we see today, and the same is true for who we have become.

My wife and I have a marriage ministry, and we also visit the incarcerated. Our goal is to help people and couples understand their value, and the blessing God wants to bestow on them. We also hope to engrain in them the understanding that they too are a blessing. As well as that their story is all part of a much bigger tapestry that tells a much bigger story. That their thread is equally important to the others, and the full scene cannot be understood without their thread.

In life and carpets

Tina and I have a marriage devotional time on the days that we can. I wish it was every day, but if I am honest, it does not happen as often as we would like. Those times are special, we have learned to open up and talk about whatever the topic is for the day. It almost always ends with Tina in tears and both of us pulling on threads that unravel the mysteries of who we are. Almost always, the thread leads back to some childhood or young adult event or learning that impacted us to the point that it changed the shape or path of our character, emotional, or spiritual growth.

Our own threads

We are given the command to love one another, and we are given the formula for how to love one another. The question I ask today is this; How do we love one another if we do not understand from what angle the other person is approaching? Let me explain, my wife Tina has a need for security and safety, most women do. But hers is what I would consider particularly strong. A factor in her need for security is a desire to know where she is or where she is going. Her sense of direction is not that great, which leads to a fear of being lost.

For much of our married life I would become annoyed by her pulling up the GPS on her phone and mapping our route. She even did this after I said I know where we are going, no need for GPS. I saw this as disrespect for my navigational skills, and quite frankly felt I wasn’t trusted. We have had many conversations about how she was trying to “control” the situation.

Knotted or broken threads

This is a lighthearted example, but what about the young married woman who was molested as a child. She now, in the early years of marriage, is struggling with allowing herself to lovingly give herself to physical relations with her husband. She likely struggles with why she feels that way, and her husband, unaware of her past, only knows he is not wanted! Without some hard conversations and unraveling of the past, they will never learn to love each other as God intended.

What of the man addicted to pornography? He is now in a marriage with a very wrong view of how sex in the marriage should be. The wife can’t meet his needs and has now reached the point where she dreads physical relations. Once again, without hard conversations and a little thread pulling, they will never experience the fullness of love; physical, emotional, and spiritual. To reach oneness we must give up our right to privacy! NO SECRETS

Pulling the threads of our past

It was during one of our devotional times that Tina opened up to me about never really feeling secure as a child. She was born later in her parents’ life. Both her siblings were out of the home. She was growing up in the home where both parents were somewhat disconnected. Not to say they weren’t loving, but they had their own brokenness, coming from homes full of broken people, themselves.

All of this led to her need for security, and as I pulled on my own tapestry threads, I began to see that I had my own issues. I grew up in poor home with four sisters, and was always seeking approval. My dad was a workaholic, and my mom was dealing with her own brokenness and incapable of the nurturing, loving home that is so important in childhood growth. I had my own needs and insecurities as a man that was now bleeding into my marriage.

You can see where this is headed, right? I have a need for trust and respect, she has a need for security. We are approaching from two very different directions!

Weaving it all together

Let me say emphatically that I am not blaming mine or Tina’s parents or anyone else for our shortcomings. That is not the intent of this post, but telling our story has helped me ask the question. How do we love one another the way we are intended, if we don’t take the time to understand where the other is coming from? Revealing the outside forces that formed and shaped our mindset, character and emotions is not pleasant, but needed.

Had we not taken the time to communicate with one another. To understand the underlying root cause behind the actions? We would still be going around that mountain, with the same wrong assumptions about the other’s intentions and feelings. Because we did, and we allowed ourselves and each other to pull on the threads of our past, our marriage is better for it, and we are better for it. I can now love her from a position of understanding, and she can do the same for me.

Now when she looks at her GPS I simply smile and keep on driving. As we age our tapestries continue to be woven together. Just as God said it should be, “The two shall become one”.

The binding tie

When was the last time you allowed yourself or your spouse to unravel a little of the mess? You and your marriage will be stronger for it. It truly is the tie that binds.

This is only one example of what we have learned through the months and years. We are in a much better position today to love one another. We are closer to “ONE” today than we have ever been. I know the work will continue until the journey ends, but what a great journey.

As always, thanks for playing along.

Remember all of life is ministry!